Wait wait wait... this blog isn't about me (rejoice). It's about my friends, and all of their inappropriately-hilarious hook up stories, because lets face it, sometimes grace flies out the window when hormones get involved...
Guys really don't have "feelings"... Mark's Story
"I was seeing this girl for a while, and one night we went out for dinner and drinks. We were drinking a lot and talking, progressively getting closer to one another. In true gentleman form, I knew I had to get this girl back to my place. I had just bought the new trojan extended pleasure condoms and they were ready and waiting for us on my night stand. We started going at it, so instead of just grabbing for a condom, I thought i'd be sexy and rip off the condom from the strip with my teeth. I was so drunk that my aim was off and my teeth ripped right through the middle of the condom, splashing the numbing agent all over my face. Within seconds of this the entire lower half of my face was completely numb. Instead of any kind of extended pleasure, all my girl got was drool... all over her."
'PWNED!' a story of revenge... Anna's Story
"I was really into this guy and we talked spring quarter of school and well you know... fucked. So, I was under the impression we would continure through summer and when we got back to school in the fall. Well he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore toward the end of the summer, it was whatever. Like any girl with half of a brain, I knew he would call me once he was moved back to school. A week after school he (shall we call him Danky?) calls:
Danky: "Hey can you get me beer?"
Me: "Um, I guess."
He picks me up in his obnoxious truck and I use my fake to buy him beer. After I get dropped back off at the party I was at:
Danky: "Your tits looked nice."
Me: "I'm wearing a polo? Whatever."
Danky: "I still noticed, maybe you should come over and play beer pong later."
CALLED IT. So, I go over, we mess around me knowing it was "that time of the month". I borrowed sweatpants and after I returned home I realized I had left him a gift behind... my tampon had come out in his sweatpants.
Next day:
(Text from Danky): Ewwww! THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING WTF! GUESS WHAT I FOUND!
My reply? Simply, "PWNED". The end."
This is one of my best friends, and no, this story does not embarass her to tell at all. If you ever met the real "Danky" you would understand why he deserved that. He is such a tool he makes the kids on "Jersey Shore" look like they have class.
On to the next...
Case of the Missing Coed... Kathy's Story
"I was a freshman in college and on my first day of spring quarter, as I sat patiently in my first class, English 102. I remember this class specifically as there was a kid in my class that wrote a research paper on the "Smoking Band"... not to be confused with the "Smoking Ban". What an idiot. Commuter college really produces intelligence. Anyway, I was just sitting there texting when this really attractive older-looking scruffy-faced guy walked in. We hit it off and talked a lot in the first week of classes, and he asked for my number. He was going to take me on a date and since I had dated the same guy for a year, my first date skills were a little rusty, so I headed over to my best friends house for some advice and encouragement before heading off on my date. This was around 7pm. Now the story splits into two right about now... my version, and everyone who cares about me's version. I'll start with mine.
My version: I head off from best friends and to this guys dorm. We get in his car and we're off to see Disturbia, the thriller with Shia LeBouf. Obviously, I turn my phone on silent. We see the movie and decide we don't want the night to be over so we head off to Steak and Shake. I don't want any judgement, it was the only place open still. Anyway, we were having a great time, and headed back to his dorm. We kissed a couple times but we kept it pretty PG before we fell asleep at about 5am. Now i'm going to tell the other half of the story...
Everyone else: Well, I can only assume that my parents, brother and best friends went along with their lives as usual... until about 3pm the next day, when I am still no where to be found. My best friend gets a phone call from my parents, after I hadn't been returning her text messages all morning. Because of the un-returned texts, the phone call alarmed her when my parents asked her where I was, as I never came back from my date. The next three hours were spent this way: Best friend calls everyone I know to see if I had talked to them. I hadn't. Parents call brother (who lives two hours away from us) to see if I had talked to him. I hadn't. I between they all spent their time frantically calling my cell phone, and eventually calling university police around 6pm.
This is where we'll switch it back to me. I wake up around 5pm, in a haze. I stand up and greet my date with a kiss as a reach for my phone. In this moment two things happen. I unlock my phone, seeing I have 34 missed calls, a statement I make out loud in shock, just as there is a knock at the door. It was a police officer, and my two best friends. None of whom looked very happy. Remember when I said I had turned my phone on silent before the movie? Well, I never turned it off of silent. Oops. Given the fact that I was 18, I scared everyone just a little when it had been almost 24 hours since anyone had heard from me, and I was off on a date with a guy they all barely knew. It was so bad, my brother was actually on his way home, from college, two hours away. Oh well. At least now I know i'm loved."
This girl, I can proudly say is one of my best friends, and I am featured in that story. I was the only one who had seen this guy before so when it came time to manhunt, I led the team. I am also happy to report that her and this guy (picture above) have been dating for almost three years and he has yet to turn her into a lampshade.
It looks sort of like a baby bracelet... Katherine's Story
"I was home from college visiting my family, and went out to a party with some friends one night. I was at a guys' house with whom I had hooked up with before and always had a crush on. My best friend was dating one of his best friends so with some encouragement, I decided to stay the night with him. Not a very good story? Wrong. Well this was only the second time I had ever had sex in the first place, and was the first time I had had sex when I was on birth control, which was the Nuvaring. For those of you who don't know, that has to be inserted into you know... well, you know. Anyway, I didn't think much about it because all the pamphlets said I was aloud to have sex with it in. When I arrived back to school the next day, I did a little self examination to make sure it was still in place. To my dismay, it was gone. Now I knew... if it had fallen out before the sex, I wasn't protected. If it fell out during, well, I was about to be embarrassed. I made the phone call, not quite sure which outcome I would prefer... I called the guy and left a voicemail for him to call me back, and when he did this is how it went;
Guy: "Hey, what's up?"
Me: "Um, you know. Not much."
Guy: "Well what do you need?"
Me: "This is going to be awkward... but, did you find anything that looks like a baby bracelet in your bed today?"
Guy: "Oh yeah, I did. It's on my night stand. What is it?"
Me: "Um... that's my birthcontrol."
Guy: "Katherine, that is disgusting... (long awkward silence)... do you like, want it back?"
Me: "Absolutely not, i'll talk to you later. Thanks."
The little troll just wouldn't accept it... JJ's story
"I dated this girl for about 9 months my sophomore year of college. We met in our learning community freshman year. Our relationship was pretty mundayne, sure she was alright looking but there just wasn't much there. Luckily for me, summer break came just in time. As soon as we both moved back to our respective hometowns (mine was a convenient two hours away from her), I pretty much stopped talking to her. I was just sort of over the relationship, and everytime I tried to express that to her, the little troll just wouldn't accept it. I went back to school to visit my fraternity brothers, and inevitably, she heard of my emminent return and insisted we went on a date, to see the new Batman movie The Dark Knight. I had promised her I would see it with her before we left for school, but being a guy I broke my promise and saw it without her. Twice. Anyway, we go to the movie, and after the movie she revealed to me that she wanted to have sex. I'm male, and my moral compass isn't always aligned so I of course said yes. The funny part is that she comes from a very strict family, so we couldn't have sex at her place, so she stole her parents RV key... yeah, we had sex in an RV lot. Afterwards she tried to pull the I love you stuff. I rolled over and went to sleep. Finally two weeks later of no speaking, she finally got the hint, and it was over. I guess it took a short loveless camping trip for her to figure out that over meant over. I saw her on campus the first week of class and she wouldn't even look at me. It took everything I had not to say 'Why so serious, troll?'"
So... have you been there? I want to hear your best hook-up stories. I know there have to be equally funny ones out there... gimme what you got!
And while you're at it check out some of the following...
www.textsfromlastnight.com -- great website where you can post last night's mistakes.
No comments:
Post a Comment