hook up or give up?

So there I was...

Wait wait wait... this blog isn't about me (rejoice). It's about my friends, and all of their inappropriately-hilarious hook up stories, because lets face it, sometimes grace flies out the window when hormones get involved...

Guys really don't have "feelings"... Mark's Story

"I was seeing this girl for a while, and one night we went out for dinner and drinks. We were drinking a lot and talking, progressively getting closer to one another. In true gentleman form, I knew I had to get this girl back to my place. I had just bought the new trojan extended pleasure condoms and they were ready and waiting for us on my night stand. We started going at it, so instead of just grabbing for a condom, I thought i'd be sexy and rip off the condom from the strip with my teeth. I was so drunk that my aim was off and my teeth ripped right through the middle of the condom, splashing the numbing agent all over my face. Within seconds of this the entire lower half of my face was completely numb. Instead of any kind of extended pleasure, all my girl got was drool... all over her."

'PWNED!' a story of revenge... Anna's Story

"I was really into this guy and we talked spring quarter of school and well you know... fucked. So, I was under the impression we would continure through summer and when we got back to school in the fall. Well he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore toward the end of the summer, it was whatever. Like any girl with half of a brain, I knew he would call me once he was moved back to school. A week after school he (shall we call him Danky?) calls:

Danky: "Hey can you get me beer?"

Me: "Um, I guess."

He picks me up in his obnoxious truck and I use my fake to buy him beer. After I get dropped back off at the party I was at:

Danky: "Your tits looked nice."

Me: "I'm wearing a polo? Whatever."

Danky: "I still noticed, maybe you should come over and play beer pong later."

CALLED IT. So, I go over, we mess around me knowing it was "that time of the month". I borrowed sweatpants and after I returned home I realized I had left him a gift behind... my tampon had come out in his sweatpants.

Next day:

(Text from Danky): Ewwww! THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING WTF! GUESS WHAT I FOUND!

My reply? Simply, "PWNED". The end."

This is one of my best friends, and no, this story does not embarass her to tell at all. If you ever met the real "Danky" you would understand why he deserved that. He is such a tool he makes the kids on "Jersey Shore" look like they have class.

On to the next...

Case of the Missing Coed... Kathy's Story

"I was a freshman in college and on my first day of spring quarter, as I sat patiently in my first class, English 102. I remember this class specifically as there was a kid in my class that wrote a research paper on the "Smoking Band"... not to be confused with the "Smoking Ban". What an idiot. Commuter college really produces intelligence. Anyway, I was just sitting there texting when this really attractive older-looking scruffy-faced guy walked in. We hit it off and talked a lot in the first week of classes, and he asked for my number. He was going to take me on a date and since I had dated the same guy for a year, my first date skills were a little rusty, so I headed over to my best friends house for some advice and encouragement before heading off on my date. This was around 7pm. Now the story splits into two right about now... my version, and everyone who cares about me's version. I'll start with mine.

My version: I head off from best friends and to this guys dorm. We get in his car and we're off to see Disturbia, the thriller with Shia LeBouf. Obviously, I turn my phone on silent. We see the movie and decide we don't want the night to be over so we head off to Steak and Shake. I don't want any judgement, it was the only place open still. Anyway, we were having a great time, and headed back to his dorm. We kissed a couple times but we kept it pretty PG before we fell asleep at about 5am. Now i'm going to tell the other half of the story...

Everyone else: Well, I can only assume that my parents, brother and best friends went along with their lives as usual... until about 3pm the next day, when I am still no where to be found. My best friend gets a phone call from my parents, after I hadn't been returning her text messages all morning. Because of the un-returned texts, the phone call alarmed her when my parents asked her where I was, as I never came back from my date. The next three hours were spent this way: Best friend calls everyone I know to see if I had talked to them. I hadn't. Parents call brother (who lives two hours away from us) to see if I had talked to him. I hadn't. I between they all spent their time frantically calling my cell phone, and eventually calling university police around 6pm.

This is where we'll switch it back to me. I wake up around 5pm, in a haze. I stand up and greet my date with a kiss as a reach for my phone. In this moment two things happen. I unlock my phone, seeing I have 34 missed calls, a statement I make out loud in shock, just as there is a knock at the door. It was a police officer, and my two best friends. None of whom looked very happy. Remember when I said I had turned my phone on silent before the movie? Well, I never turned it off of silent. Oops. Given the fact that I was 18, I scared everyone just a little when it had been almost 24 hours since anyone had heard from me, and I was off on a date with a guy they all barely knew. It was so bad, my brother was actually on his way home, from college, two hours away. Oh well. At least now I know i'm loved."

This girl, I can proudly say is one of my best friends, and I am featured in that story. I was the only one who had seen this guy before so when it came time to manhunt, I led the team. I am also happy to report that her and this guy (picture above) have been dating for almost three years and he has yet to turn her into a lampshade.

It looks sort of like a baby bracelet... Katherine's Story

"I was home from college visiting my family, and went out to a party with some friends one night. I was at a guys' house with whom I had hooked up with before and always had a crush on. My best friend was dating one of his best friends so with some encouragement, I decided to stay the night with him. Not a very good story? Wrong. Well this was only the second time I had ever had sex in the first place, and was the first time I had had sex when I was on birth control, which was the Nuvaring. For those of you who don't know, that has to be inserted into you know... well, you know. Anyway, I didn't think much about it because all the pamphlets said I was aloud to have sex with it in. When I arrived back to school the next day, I did a little self examination to make sure it was still in place. To my dismay, it was gone. Now I knew... if it had fallen out before the sex, I wasn't protected. If it fell out during, well, I was about to be embarrassed. I made the phone call, not quite sure which outcome I would prefer... I called the guy and left a voicemail for him to call me back, and when he did this is how it went;

Guy: "Hey, what's up?"

Me: "Um, you know. Not much."

Guy: "Well what do you need?"

Me: "This is going to be awkward... but, did you find anything that looks like a baby bracelet in your bed today?"

Guy: "Oh yeah, I did. It's on my night stand. What is it?"

Me: "Um... that's my birthcontrol."

Guy: "Katherine, that is disgusting... (long awkward silence)... do you like, want it back?"

Me: "Absolutely not, i'll talk to you later. Thanks."

The little troll just wouldn't accept it... JJ's story

"I dated this girl for about 9 months my sophomore year of college. We met in our learning community freshman year. Our relationship was pretty mundayne, sure she was alright looking but there just wasn't much there. Luckily for me, summer break came just in time. As soon as we both moved back to our respective hometowns (mine was a convenient two hours away from her), I pretty much stopped talking to her. I was just sort of over the relationship, and everytime I tried to express that to her, the little troll just wouldn't accept it. I went back to school to visit my fraternity brothers, and inevitably, she heard of my emminent return and insisted we went on a date, to see the new Batman movie The Dark Knight. I had promised her I would see it with her before we left for school, but being a guy I broke my promise and saw it without her. Twice. Anyway, we go to the movie, and after the movie she revealed to me that she wanted to have sex. I'm male, and my moral compass isn't always aligned so I of course said yes. The funny part is that she comes from a very strict family, so we couldn't have sex at her place, so she stole her parents RV key... yeah, we had sex in an RV lot. Afterwards she tried to pull the I love you stuff. I rolled over and went to sleep. Finally two weeks later of no speaking, she finally got the hint, and it was over. I guess it took a short loveless camping trip for her to figure out that over meant over. I saw her on campus the first week of class and she wouldn't even look at me. It took everything I had not to say 'Why so serious, troll?'"

So... have you been there? I want to hear your best hook-up stories. I know there have to be equally funny ones out there... gimme what you got!

And while you're at it check out some of the following...

www.textsfromlastnight.com -- great website where you can post last night's mistakes.

No one looks good in desperate...

So there I was...

I was a sophomore in college and deeply confused about so many things I could have written a James Frey memoir and recorded an entire season of Dr. Phil. Out of desperation and a deep seeded need for a connection to anyone but myself, I started dating a guy that a met through a friend. Hindsight being 20/20, I have absolutely no idea what I was doing for the seven(ish) months that I spent with this guy, believing that I was dating him. But if that was dating, sign me up for enrollment in the nearest Convent.

Now that I have moved on and grown out of the phase of being in love with love, I am now able to share my stories about all the ridiculous things I put myself through all in the name of dating.

I met Ben* through a mutual friend and we dated for a while, although I guess "dated" is a highly inappropriate word considering the fact that we never actually went on dates. I allowed this to go on because as I mentioned earlier, in my clouded mind it was better to sit in a room that smelled like body odor and bong water than be alone. Not only did he never take me anywhere, but he never came to my house and he was constantly complaining about my friends. He claimed that he didn't want to meet my parents because no one meets the parents until they are about to get married. What is this? A bad movie? Looking back on these little gems of knowledge he tossed at me for so long I honestly can do nothing but scratch my head and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I also let him get away with never holding my hand, and I never understood why he wouldn't. I always just assumed that I wasn't good or pretty enough for him. Now I know it is because there was a Xbox controller in one hand, and a bong in the other, his hands were obviously full. He'd call, I'd jump. It was about as unhealthy as all the weed that he smoked. Ben also liked to lie a lot, I think next to rolling blunts and blasting emo-indie rock lying might of been his favorite activity. Nothing he said seemed genuine but it did seem to fit into a persona of who he thought the world wanted him to be. This became excruciatingly clear during a night out.

A friend and I met her boyfriend and Ben at a mutual friends apartment. The plan was to hang out and go listen to a band play at one of the local bars. Friend and I had been at this apartment for maybe ten minutes when the incident occurred. Apparently, Ben thought it would be wise to drink and get high on a stomach that contained a measly cup of rice. He was mid-throw in a game of beer pong when he projectile vomited all over himself and the table. That's right, mister cynical unloaded in front of a party full of people. Embarrassing. He was really upset so I took him to his place so he could clean off, because I have this innate need to try to save the day. Yes, I have grown out of that. Anyway, the evening ended with him telling me about how embarrassed he was and how he could never show his face again and how pathetic he thought he was and blah blah blah. This kid really hated himself. I always looked up to him because I thought he had it all together, well, he didn't and no one really does.

To quote an episode of Dr. Phil, there was something about him that I don't like about me. This quality in Ben of him being someone he thought he was supposed be rather than who he really was, is a problem I learned to deal with through my time with him. I really spent the better part of my first 19 years putting on a show for everyone. I guess all that abuse and time I wasted on him wasn't completely useless after all. It took this joke of a relationship to teach me that I always need to put myself first, and through this I learned how to be who I am and never make apologies for it.

And oh by the way, I now know that sometimes, when a person shows you who they are that you need to believe them the first time. You would think that I would have learned with him after he barfed all over himself, but there's no teaching me a lesson I'm not really willing to learn. I tried to contact Ben a few months after we cut off all ties for good, friendship and otherwise. I simply asked him how he was, how his 21st birthday went and all that. And this is what I got.

"Fatty B,

I'm doing great, school is good. I've been working my ass off

so that I can get out of Ohio as soon as possible.

My birthday was amazing. I can now drink legally.

LA was awesome. It was beautiful and I got to meet some

amazing people.

I regret ever having "dated" you. I can do better. I went for

who was readily available rather than who I was emotionally

and physically attracted to. I never took you out on a real

date because being seen with a girl of your frame is, to say the

least, very embarrassing.

I have no desire to talk to you again, and I could care less how

you are doing. Don't regret trying to talk to me. I hope you

now truly understand that I never want to speak to you again.

I think you are a joke, and if you died today I would be overjoyed

to have the chance to walk across your grave.

The end, you dumb, obese, cake eating bitch."

Really? First of all. I don't even like cake. It's cookies or ice cream for this girl. And secondly, I'm not dumb, I'm not the one who lost my license while lighting up a bong in a parking garage, moron. Not to mention, that is most definitely the pot calling the kettle fat if you know what I mean. My friends and I laughed at the fact that we could literally picture him in front of his macbook, fresh hit off the bong, laughing at how funny he thinks he is. Lucky for me at this point I had decided who I was and didn't take much offense to what he had to say. I was okay having him out of my life because I had finally realized he didn't belong there in the first place.

To put the icing on the cake I was so rudely accused of eating "Ben" tried to get a hold of me this past March. This time, I got the last laugh. I've deleted the message off of Facebook but the conversation went a little like this;

Ben: I thought I saw you the other day and I was frozen in my footsteps. Just wanted to know if it was you

Me: Where

Ben: Down on third street

Me: No that wasn't me, I moved remember. And it's too bad you weren't "frozen" in oncoming traffic.

That felt pretty good, cheap or not it was fun to laugh at him. Karma really does come around. Even if it took me a year to learn how to give it back

So, it's time to move past the tears of love lost stupidity. Can you put down that pint of Ben and Jerry's to answer the question, have you been there? I'll give you a minute to wipe the remnants of Cherry Garcia off of your mouths.

what goes up, must come down... way, way down.

So, there I was...

I was about three months into my 21st birthday celebration (yes, I celebrated my 21st birthday for months... sue me). Anyway, I was at a bar in my home town, it was far past last call and the guy I was dating at the time was corralling my best friend and I out of the bar. He naturally (as boyfriends tend to do) made me angry, the reason still a pending mystery. Now, I inherit my smile and charm from my mother and my wit and short fuse from my father. Unfortunately, this night, my short fuse came out to play.

This bar has a big stairwell out in it's lobby, boyfriend was all the way at the bottom, and best friend was in between. As my short fuse and I stood pouting at the top, one of us, I blame my short fuse, got extra angry because we were being rushed. I chucked my wristlet (an expensive one that happens to belong to my mother) straight at best friend. Now, before I continue on with my story, let me explain something...

I had lost my license a week before this event, and had to pathetically use my passport and military dependent i.d. card to get into the bars (classy huh?). The passport; for all of you well traveled readers, you know passports are neither cheap nor easily obtainable. The military dependent i.d. card; well, this isn't expensive, but the very morning of this incident, my mother had to drive my license-less self to get said i.d. card, forty minutes to the air force base where she works and forty minutes back, then spend the rest of the day tackling work. Guilt trip ensues.

So, this expensive wristlet that doesn't belong to me, containing not only the aforementioned passport and military dependent i.d. card, but a cell phone, house keys, credit cards and virtually the rest of my dignity was sailing through the air. Sir Isaac Newton told us in elementary school, that which goes up, must also come down. My wristlet went up... and then it came down, way down.

This bar is two floors up, and along the railing of the stairs there's about a four inch gap between railing and wall, leading an eight foot drop to absolutely nothing. Screw the other one hundred plus square feet, my wristlet wanted to land right in that gap.

To add insult to injury, best friend was dying laughing, and boyfriend was ashamed. Did I fail to mention that this bar also happens to be in the mall I worked in at the time? Lose.

The bouncer who saw the entire incident unfold was very helpful and called security for me. Boyfriend was nice and took me home and the wonderful security guards retrieved my wristlet within an hour. Karma, being the charming and forgiving woman that she is (insert sarcasm here), let me run into the lovely gentleman that retrieved my wristlet out of the deep pits of the stair well the next day before my shift at work when I went to claim the flying wristlet from security. He left me with these words, "next time, maybe you should take the elevator".

Thanks a lot, Newton.

Been There, Done That. Now, has anyone gotten stupidly mad a paid for it immediately? Let's see if you've been there...